So you’ve discovered your best friend is a bully. Life has just thrown you a curve ball and made it harder than it should be. You see them making fun of others, picking on them, giving them a hard time, or beating them up, and you don’t like it. But what are you going to do about it? First, brace yourselves for a few possibilities.
Learn more about what to do if you think, “My Best Friend is a Bully!”
Table of Contents
Defining Bullying
Before we delve into the complexities of friendship when one person is a bully, it’s crucial to understand what bullying entails clearly. Bullying is a pervasive issue that can have devastating consequences for victims. It’s a form of aggression that involves repeated negative behaviours towards an individual or group.
Types of Bullying
There are several types of bullying, each with its own unique characteristics and harmful effects.
- Physical bullying involves acts of violence, such as hitting, kicking, or tripping.
- Verbal bullying includes name-calling, teasing, and threats.
- Emotional bullying involves behaviours that damage a person’s self-esteem or social relationships, such as exclusion or manipulation.
- Cyberbullying, a relatively recent phenomenon, involves the use of technology to harass or threaten others.
Impact on Victims
The impact of bullying on victims can be profound and long-lasting. Victims may experience a range of emotional and psychological problems, including anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and even suicidal thoughts. In addition, it can harm victims’ academic performance, social relationships, and overall well-being. It’s important to recognise that bullying is not just a harmless prank or teasing; it can have serious consequences for targeted people.
The Dynamics of Friendship
The situation can be complex and challenging when one’s best friend is a bully. Understanding the dynamics of these friendships can help individuals navigate these difficult circumstances.
Why Befriend a Bully?
Understanding why someone might befriend a bully can provide valuable insights into the complexities of these relationships. Despite the negative consequences, there are often underlying reasons for these friendships.
- Shared Interests and Activities: Friendships often form around shared interests or activities. If a victim and a bully participate in the same clubs, sports, or other activities, they may become friends.
- Fear and Intimidation: Victims may be afraid of the bully and feel that befriending them is the only way to avoid being targeted.
- Need for Belonging: Everyone wants to feel like they belong, and victims may turn to the bully for companionship, even if it comes at a cost.
Challenges of Maintaining the Friendship
Maintaining a friendship with a bully can be a constant struggle, filled with emotional turmoil and uncertainty. Victims often find themselves in a difficult position, caught between loyalty and self-preservation.
- Emotional Distress: Being friends with a bully can cause significant emotional distress for the victim. They may feel ashamed, embarrassed, or isolated.
- Constant Walking on Eggshells: Victims may feel like they have to constantly walk on eggshells around their friends, afraid of saying or doing something that could trigger the bully’s aggression.
- Negative Influence: Bullying behaviour can rub off on the victim, leading them to engage in similar behaviours themselves.
Potential Consequences
The decision to continue a friendship with a bully can have serious consequences for the victim and their overall well-being. It’s important to consider the potential risks before making any decisions.
- Continued Victimisation: Continuing a friendship with a bully can put the victim at risk of continued victimisation.
- Negative Impact on Mental Health: The emotional toll of being friends with a bully can have a significant negative impact on the victim’s mental health.
- Isolation from Others: Victims may become isolated from their peers due to the bullying behaviour of their friends.
The Role of Bystanders: Taking a Stand Against Bullying
Bystanders play a crucial role in addressing bullying behaviour. Their actions or inaction can significantly impact the situation and the well-being of the victim and the bully.
The Importance of Bystander Intervention
Bystanders have the power to significantly improve the lives of bullying victims. Their actions can profoundly impact the situation and the school or community environment.
- Providing Support to Victims: When bystanders intervene, they show their support for the victim and let them know they are not alone. This can help victims feel less isolated and empowered to seek help.
- Challenging Bullying Behaviour: Bystanders can challenge bullying behaviour by speaking out against it or intervening directly. This can help deter the bully and send a message that bullying is unacceptable.
- Creating a Culture of Kindness and Respect: When bystanders take a stand against bullying, they create a more positive and inclusive school or community environment.
Reasons for Ignoring Bullying
Despite the negative consequences of bullying, many bystanders choose to ignore the behaviour. Understanding their motivations can help address the issue more effectively.
- Fear of Retaliation: Bystanders may be afraid of being bullied themselves if they intervene.
- Lack of Awareness: Bystanders may not recognise bullying behaviour or may think that it is not a serious issue.
- Indifference: Some bystanders may simply be indifferent to the suffering of others.
How Bystanders Can Help
With the right actions, bystanders can positively impact bullying situations. They can support victims, challenge bullies, and create a more inclusive environment.
- Speak Out Against Bullying: If you see bullying, speak out against it. Let the bully know that their behaviour is wrong and hurtful.
- Offer Support to the Victim: Let the victim know you are there for them and offer your support.
- Report the Incident: If the bullying is serious or ongoing, report it to a trusted adult, such as a teacher, counsellor, or parent.
- Encourage Others to Intervene: Encourage your friends and classmates to speak against bullying and take a stand.
How to Feel and What to Do?
When your best friend is a bully, we are not telling you how to feel. Are you discouraged, maybe? Frustrated? Confused?
Maybe you’re considering dumping them and getting it over with, but then your gushy side takes over, and you remember that they need you—or maybe you need them. Maybe they’re not a bully around you, so you figure out if you’re not being harmed. Or maybe you don’t want to be sentimental, so what if they’re teaching a few losers a lesson? They’ve had it coming, right?
What if they make you feel good? What if they always have your back or help you out somehow? And what if they apologise whenever they harass you and tell you how much they need you, that you’re the only good thing they have going? But you still can’t seem to shut up the little voice telling you, “Enough!”
It might seem that they’re empowering you, giving you social status, good company, good laughs, and maybe even goods full stop, but you realise that they’re bringing you down, don’t you? On the outside, it might seem they have the upper hand; they might be cooler or more popular than you and know how to get away with much more than you can.
Compensation runs deeper than appearances—it’s all about hating a certain aspect of your life that you cannot change, so you make up for it by directing your energy in another direction. This becomes unhealthy when you seemingly ignore the main problem and become fixated on what you use as a diversion. In other words, you can’t deal with something, so you become obsessed with something else because you think it’s your only vent.
Your friend is a classic case of compensation. So, Let us ask you a few questions before we get down to business:
- Would they still pick on someone who had an advantage over them, or do they always pick the weaker man?
- How do you think they have it going at home? Are their parents around? How do they talk about them- or don’t they talk about them at all? Are their parents pushovers?
- Have they ever shown up with a black eye or lots of bruises? Do they try to avoid going home if they can?
These are just some things for you to think about, but it’s up to you to combine two and two. Think of all the films; think of how they made the bully out to be: the person everyone feared but no one liked and who sunk into oblivion over the years because they weren’t smart enough to get ahead. Bottom line: not a winner. Is that how you see your friend?
And yes, films are generally adapted from real life.
They might still be smart or successful despite that, but I assure you with all my heart and soul that there’s still something seriously messed up about them. It comes down to whether you still want this person in your life to know so. It’s all a matter of weighing your options and determining if they’re still worth it.
First of all, you have to understand where they’re coming from- Most likely, they’re going through a really hard time at home, and they have no control, so they’re trying to gain any power by dominating others.
Talk to Your Friend
Talk to them. They might not be willing to open up, especially if they’re embarrassed by what they’re going through, so try to be understanding and share something personal (quid pro quo), then ask them how things are at their end. There are two ways things will go; they’ll either disclose their problem to you or be resilient.
If they share: If they share, they’re subconsciously admitting they need help, which makes your job easier because they realise something’s off. If you find that it’s more than you can handle (it’s something that can cause them permanent emotional damage), then you might want to consider asking your guidance counsellor or someone you trust for help. You don’t have to spill their secret to do so.
You have to help them realise that lashing out at others will only result in them losing more than they signed up for without actually solving their problems. Even the small amount of control they think they have by bullying is not worth what they’re compromising. Ensure you have their back, but don’t let the bullying slide.
When Your Best Friend Is a Bully, What If They Don’t Come Clean with What They’re Going Through?
You’re probably the only one who can get through to them because you’re close enough for them to trust but not involved in their ordeal. So, without being melodramatic, you have a moral responsibility, and THIS IS A BIG DEAL. Even if you’ve succeeded in hushing your conscience so far, IT WILL EAT YOU UP! What goes around comes around; you never know how this will haunt you if you don’t do what’s right.
- Make sure it’s a private conversation so they don’t feel threatened or set up and don’t have the urge to show off or dominate the scene. Be firm and decisive.
- Remember that they’re ultimately weak (they run away from their problems and take it out on others—what more do you want?), so DON’T SHOW FEAR OR HESITANCE; you’d only be fueling them!
- Show them how wrong and mean their actions are and how it’s affecting those inflicted (till this point, they might pretend it’s just a good laugh or be oblivious to the gravity of the situation, so make this a reality check)
- Use whatever ammunition you can think of – do they believe in god? Karma? What would happen if someone they cared about saw them at their worst?
- If you suspect that they’re being abused themselves, then point out how strong they’d be if they refuse to enter the cycle and obtain more self-restraint and willpower than the person hurting them.
- Finally, make it clear that if they don’t change or control their impulses, they’ll lose a lot of people—you included, even if you don’t like it.
Give them time to process and continue being there for them, but also give them an ultimatum: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CONDONE THEIR ACTIONS OR FORFEIT YOUR STAND. If they still don’t change after all that, be sure that they neither value your friendship nor morals and consider long and hard if this is someone you want to have in your life.
If they’re incapable of conceiving right and wrong and have no sense of loyalty, what’s to say they won’t turn against you in a second and make your life a living hell? Even if you have something they want or need, who will have your back once you lose it?
You don’t have to lose your friend to do what’s right. You need to be persistent and have true intentions to help them!